Stop settling for less.

If there is anything I have learned in my short and pathetic eighteen years of existence, it’s never settle for less than what you deserve and know what you want. Especially when it comes to relationships. 

Too many times have I and many people I know, put our happiness to the side just to make someone else happy. Now, there is absolutely nothing wrong with this, however, it does become a problem when the other person is not doing the same for you. We shouldn’t put people on a pedal stool and grant there every wish before pleasing our selves.

If there is another thing I’ve learned, its when a man says he does not want a relationship, LISTEN. I’ve learned the hard way, I’m sure most of us have. I think us as women put this idea in our head that, a) he’ll change his mind later b) if the sex is good, he’ll stay and c) he’s afraid. No. Nope. Nah. This is all bullshit and we need to stop fantasizing and be realistic. I will never again put my needs to the side because the person I am infatuated at the moment does not carry the same values.

Don’t settle for less. Make your wants known. Put your needs first. Don’t rely on any one else for your happiness. Love and accept yourself.

Advertisements

Daddy Issues

I never stood a chance with him. From the beginning I was a burden, a disappointment and unwanted. Nothing I do is right. Every move or sound I make is a bother to him. Everyday, it’s constant yelling and put downs. I hear it so much I start to believe it is true. Perhaps I am worthless. Perhaps I’m nothing but a pest. Perhaps I am all these things. I know I am not a perfect person and I have made many mistakes, but what did I do to make him hate me so much? How is it possible for a human being to make someone feel so unwanted and unloved? I am sorry that nothing I do will ever be good enough for you. I am sorry that I am not the daughter you wanted. I am sorry that I am an embarrassment. But you don’t know how badly you’ve messed me up.I have so many issues because of you. I can not commit. I can not be happy. I can not let people in. I can not be myself. I can not show emotion. I don’t believe in the good of people. I don’t believe people want to treat me right. After everything that has happened between us, all I still crave for is your love and acceptance and I don’t think I’ll ever get that.

Sick & Selfish

Fact: When I was being made they left out some vital qualities that every human being should have; compassion and consideration of others feelings.

Fact #2: Guys with girlfriends exist in this world for one reason and one reason only; that reason is to test highly sensual, free spirited girls like myself.

I will be the first to openly admit that I am one  selfish, narcissistic and corrupt individual. However, I’m not a “bad” person, but I find it so ludicrous when these guys claim to be “SO IN LOVE” and all the other stereotypical bullshit you see, yet secretly they’re trying to penetrate you. We’re human and I get it, we all want what we can not have, it’s exciting, tempting and it’s an adrenaline rush.

The most sick and twisted part of this is, I could steal the love of your life. I could fuck your boyfriend. I could ruin everything for you and not feel one ounce of guilt. I will steal your man just to say I had him. Because when I want something, I will do whatever it takes till I get it and no longer desire it. I wouldn’t care that I was the cause of your sleepless nights. I wouldn’t care that you feel like your world has come crashing down. I wouldn’t care because I am one fucked up human being who needs help.

There is something not right with me and I’m trying to figure out the root of the problem. Why am I so selfish? Why am I so inconsiderate? Do I subconsciously want to make others feel pain because I’ve been hurt? I don’t know. All I know is I want you because I can not have you.

Slut or Sexually Confident?

I genuinely wished there wasn’t a double standard when it came to sex and sexuality. I wish there weren’t any type of double standards actually.

Why is it okay for a guy to have multiple sex partners, but if girls do they are viewed as immoral? Why is it that if a girl is confident in her sexuality, she’s deemed unethical? I never understood this at all, perhaps there is something I’m missing or maybe I just think differently than others. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think girls should sleep with guys just to feel worthy (let’s be real, majority do) because that just leads to emotional distrought and other nonsense. However, if we want to have sex because we WANT to, then why can’t we without the fear of being “slut shamed?” If I favor a certain part of my body, why should I not be able to show it off without getting bashed? Why does society care so much about what we do with our bodies? THEY’RE OUR BODIES. If I decide to sleep with x amount of people, does that really make an impact on your life? If I decide to use my body in a certain way, are you going to lose sleep at night? Probably not. Our bodies are our bodies and we should do whatever the fuck we want with them. We were given these bodies to do and feel great things. It’s an extraordinary thing really.

Another thing that aggravates me is when people judge others when they aren’t saints themselves. WE ALL SIN. Before you start judging someone on how they choose to live their life, make sure you are a holy being. So with that being said, GURL IF U WANNA GET DAT DICK OR PUSSY (whatever it is you prefer) U GO N GET IT YA HEAR!!!?!!! That is all.

Stuck

It’s 12:58 am and tonight I miss you.

It’s the first time in awhile that I’ve let my thoughts of you get the best of me. I was doing so well too, but all it took was a little reminder and BAM felt like the very first night all over again.

I want to hate you, but I can’t. I want to forget all the things you’ve told me, but I can’t. I want to release every thought, memory and emotion relating towards you, but I can’t. I can’t, I just can’t. You’ve left me here stuck in this disposition feeling lost and empty.

I know things change and I get that, I do. I just have a few questions I’ll probably never get answers too. Did you ever really care about me? Do you still think about me? When you lay in bed, do you remember all the times I was there with you? Do you miss me being there next to you? Do you miss me at all? Does the slightest thing remind you of me? Did you ever want me? Where you afraid of something? Why was it so easy for you to push me away? Those questions are what eat me up inside because those are the things I’m dying to know but too afraid to ask. I guess I just have to live with the probability that I’ll die never really knowing the truth.  But I can say one thing, If I were to be asked any of these questions, I’d lie through my teeth. I’d tell people that I don’t miss you, I don’t think about you, I never liked you that much anyway. I’d say you were nothing special to me and that I am so glad you are no longer in my life. I’d say these things because they are so beyond from the truth and right now I can’t handle the truth. I can’t handle the fact that you’ve probably moved on already. I can’t handle the fact that you’re okay without me. I can’t handle the fact that you don’t think of me or miss me or need me. I can’t handle it because here I am wishing you were feeling the things I am.

It’s 1:28 am and tonight I miss you.

Depression

Being depressed –mild or severe– isn’t just about being unhappy; it is so much  more than that. Being depressed is not being able to wake up in the morning without having to use every once of energy you have left because their is a voice inside your head saying, “why bother?” Being depressed is not being able to eat or not being able to stop. Being depressed is not being able to listen to your favorite song because it makes you want to cry. Being depressed is hating yourself and everyone around you. Being depressed is like being sick and not wanting to get better. You see depression is not just a mood, depression is a disease. When someone is depressed they feel as if there is no point to life, there is no hope, they’re worthless. We lose all sense of reality and we become stuck in this mindset, because when someone is depressed that’s what we grow accustomed too. We don’t want to get better because thats all we know how to be. It’s a sick and twisted mentality to have, but we can not help it.

As someone who has battled with depression on and off for the past few years, I can tell you one thing: It doesn’t matter how many therapist you see, what medication you take or what people try to convince you; you cannot help a depressed person unless they want help. You must want to change. You must want to get better. It’s not going to be easy, but life is too beautiful to just waste in sorrow. There is so much to see, experience, learn and love.

My word of advice to all those who are battling with depression: don’t take medication for when they are gone you will desire more, don’t see a therapist for when they run out of comforting words to say you will feel stuck, don’t rely your happiness on another individual for when they leave, you will feel alone again. Instead, love yourself. Remember what it feels like to do all the things it is you love to do. Express yourself in a positive way. Try something new. Go somewhere you’ve never been. Spend time alone, but also spend time with the ones you love. Change your mindset on life and yourself. It won’t be easy or quick, but it’s possible.

Now, I wake up in the morning feeling positive. I can listen to songs again. I can eat. I can enjoy time alone and with friends. I’m taking positive steps into my future. I write more. I have a job. I go to school. I have supportive family and friends. During my depression I had all of this, I was just to blind to see. I know depression will forever be a battle but I’ve learned to manage it on my own, I know what triggers it and I’ve learned not to torture myself anymore. I am done being sad over things I have no control of. My happiness and my life are the two things I always did and will have control of and they are finally back where they belong and that is in my own hands.

my first heartbreak

I needed another therapeutic outlet. Normally I vent on my tumblr, but there’s something in my psychotic mind telling me you’re reading what I’m writing and I can’t give you the satisfaction knowing you’ve destroyed me (even though you probably already know that).

Anyway, it’s November 11, 2013. 24 days since I’ve last seen you and 21 days since i’ve last spoken to you, but who’s counting? These past few weeks have been hell, to say the least. The first night was the worst, I felt as if my heart literally had broken into a million pieces, I cried so hard I couldn’t breath.

Feelings are a perplexing thing really. How is it that one person can make you so happy and so complete and just take that all away from you? I couldn’t eat. I couldn’t sleep. Nothing seemed interesting anymore. My motto was “what’s the point anymore?” It was awful. I was depressed (still am sometimes). I was angry at you, at the world, but mostly myself. How could I be so foolish? How could I not see the signs? He said it himself, “I’m a heartbreaker, I’m only going to hurt you.” How could I allow myself to let my walls down so easily? But you know what? It was just so easy with you, I didn’t have to try, everything just came so naturally.

You were my first heart break and you have hurt me like nobody else will and I hope you know this. I’m not going to be mellow dramatic and say I loved you, but god damn did I like you. I mean i really REALLY fucking liked you. I don’t even know why or how. When I first met you, It didn’t even cross my mind that you would be so important to me (mostly because I was intoxicated) but still. You were just someone I thought would keep me amused for a week or two, but boy was I wrong, you took me by surprise. Somewhere deep down inside, I secretly hope that you really did like me and you just weren’t ready for that and you pushed me away. Deep down inside I hope you realize what you missed out on. I really do.

Everyday is a new challenge. Some days I am ok and others…I am not. However, It’s getting better. I may have a long way to go until I am happy again, but I’m on my way. I know what I need to do and I know what not to do next time. I vow to never contact you, I vow to never check up on you anymore, I vow to never let you get to me the way you have. You’re not worth it. You never were. I enjoyed our time together but now it’s done and it’s time to move on and live my life for me.

What is coming is better than what is gone.